Some quotes from Saki...
Saki was the pen-name of Hector Hugo Munro
Killed in the Great European War of 1914-1918
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation."
"I believe I take precedence,'...Some quotes from Saki...
Saki was the pen-name of Hector Hugo Munro
Killed in the Great European War of 1914-1918
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation."
"I believe I take precedence,' he said coldly; 'you are merely the club Bore: I am the club Liar.' "
"I always say beauty is only sin deep. "
"But, good gracious, you've got to educate him first. You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school."
"Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. "
"All decent people live beyond their incomes nowadays, and those who aren't respectable live beyond other people's. A few gifted individuals manage to do both. "
"I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. "
"Children are given to us to discourage our better emotions."
"It's the early Christian that gets the fattest lion. "
"You can't expect the fatted calf to share the enthusiasm of the angels over the prodigal's return. "
"Every reformation must have its victims. "
A pregnant woman from Dundee gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor ab...A pregnant woman from Dundee gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma' am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Glasgow came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!'
She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?
'Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it!
What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'
A man owned a small farm in Kelso .
The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your emp...A man owned a small farm in Kelso .
The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
Ian MacThomas and Mary MacFey where both on a train from Scotland to England. By some mistake they were both sharing the same sleeping berth. Ian, being a gentleman, said he's take the top berth and ...Ian MacThomas and Mary MacFey where both on a train from Scotland to England. By some mistake they were both sharing the same sleeping berth. Ian, being a gentleman, said he's take the top berth and let Mary have the lower. She agreed and, after giving each other some privacy, they both went to bed.
In the middle of the night, the heating system breaks down and Ian woke up because he is so cold. He wanted to get out of bed and get another blanket but didn't want to risk waking Mary. So Ian looks over the edge of his berth and sees that Mary is awake! So Ian says to her. "Excuse me Mary, but I'm so cold, do you think you could get up and get me a blanket?''
Mary looks up at Ian and says, "Ian, were both adults, so I propose, just for this night, we pretend we're married"
Ian say "Sure!"
and Mary says "Good, then get up and get your own darn blanket!"
How to give a cat a pill...
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pres...How to give a cat a pill...
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat the process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the @#&!*%~ cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A & E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill....
1. Wrap it in bacon.
Scottish Drinking Jokes
Sandy was sitting at the bar drinking double whiskies in one gulp as fast as the barman could put them in front of him. He eventually explained that it was the only way he could...Scottish Drinking Jokes
Sandy was sitting at the bar drinking double whiskies in one gulp as fast as the barman could put them in front of him. He eventually explained that it was the only way he could drink them after a terrible accident. "What sort of accident?" asked the barman. "Terrible," said Sandy. "I knocked one over with my elbow."
Angus's long-suffering wife was fed up with her husband's unfortunate fondness of a not-so-wee dram. Most evenings he would roll home from the pub considerably the worse for wear. His wife resolved to cure him. Late one Samhain, she put a bedsheet over her head, hid behind the bushes at the front door of their croft, and waited for her wayward hubby to come home. Eventually Angus staggered up the path. His wife, in disguise, jumped out from behind the bushes, and cried out, "Angus! I'm the Devil! And I've come to warn ye ." "The Devil, you say?" Angus interrupted. "Then ye must come in and have a dram wi' me, kinsman. I do believe as I'm married to your sister!"
The two old Scots had imbibed overmuch. Saying his good-night, the one told the other: "John, man, when ye gang oot at the door, ye'll see twa cabs. Tak' the first yin - t'ither ane's no' there! "
Dr MacGregor checked over his patient and said with a puzzled frown, "I can't really tell what the trouble is. I think it must be due to drink." Willie said, understandingly, "Ach, that's all right doctor. I'll come back when you're sober."
"Alcohol is your trouble," said the sheriff to the drunk. "Alcohol alone is responsible for your present predicament." The drunk looked pleased as he said "Yer lairdship's maist kind. A'body else says it's ma ain fault!"
A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."
A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only twopence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied, "They're waiting for the Happy Hour".
A Scotsman had been presented with a bottle of fine old Scotch whisky which he placed in his overcoat pocket. On his way home he fell, and as he got up he felt a wet patch on his trousers. "Please, Lord," he prayed,"let that just be blood!"
Two Scotsmen bought a bottle of bootleg whisky for a pound and it was the vilest brew they had ever tasted. "I'll be very glad," said one to the other, "when we finish this bottle."
It had been a bitterly cold day on the Scottish golf course and the caddie was expecting a handsome tip from his weathy client. As they came to the clubhouse the caddie heard the magic words, "This is for a hot glass of whisky!" Holding out his hand, he was given a sugar cube.
Forecasters were puzzled recently when the entire population of Glasgow ran out onto the streets with glass in hand after an announcement that there was a nip in the air.
Hurricane hits Glasgow
Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill district of Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?" The h...Hurricane hits Glasgow
Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill district of Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?" The hurricane
decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of
improvements.. Several priceless collections of mementos from
Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.
Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank Street , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today. Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .
One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did... ma wee Chardonnay-Mercedes came running intae ma bedroom greetin'. Ma youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all. Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said "The noise wiz pure tremendous man... At first ah thoat it wiz the young team coming oot of The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser " .
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of Cheese Toasties to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers... Residents in neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where they were.
A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".
Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes. The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as
possible.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, (2 furra pounda!) Rockport boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies , Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado, glue or hairspray. Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter.
*Breaking News*
Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble.
Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco - Pop. When
asked where she was bleeding from she replied " Craigmont Avenue ,
whit's it got to dae wi' you ya fudd?"
Anyone remember Dolly?
Dolly
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so mu...Anyone remember Dolly?
Dolly
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.
And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more,
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.
It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll,
There were far too many lamby clones for Mary to control,
No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary,
So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.
But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary.
Anonymous
Missing chapter from Genisis maybe?
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long an...Missing chapter from Genisis maybe?
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
A Scotsman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Scotsman, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and h...A Scotsman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Scotsman, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know," he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping."
page=3&callback_module_id=pages&callback_item_id=420&year=&month=
View More
Marilyn Sloper likes this.
